SEE IN THE DARK
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Now…back to useless blogging…
SEE IN THE DARK
This is the first thing that comes to mind when I think about both what I want to write about and where I feel I am at. Usually when I think about a project, film, pilot, or book that I want to dream about or to work on I think of the title first. I think we usually do this to each other, not just projects. We have a title for this or that person. Sweet, kind, funny, intelligent, mean, horrible…I’m not sure why we do this, why we dissolve a person to a title, but we do…at least with those that aren’t close to us.
My soul feels a bit beat up these days. I’m tired. I’m a bit lost about what to do with my life. Everything feels like it’s at a strange crossroads. The movie I poured myself into for almost four years is over. The school where I’ve occasionally taken classes at since I’ve moved to LA is over. I’ve fired my rep. In a way I feel like I’m starting over, and just as clueless as I was at 23 deciding what to do with my life, I feel even more confused at 33.
I’ve also had something nice and interesting happen in my fatigue. I’m even more sick of religiosity. Shocking I know. But something almost refreshing happens when you loose your patience for religious facades. You may not be nice, but you may be more kind by calling people to speak plainly versus to a hyper religious lingo. It feels like we’re in love with our vernacular, like this somehow makes us okay, if we talk a certain way.
Do you ever get to that place where you crave a compassion, a grace, and a friendship with someone who will just shut up, who will just love you as you are, and where you are, who is comfortable with just letting you be? Now any true love won’t let you stay in the gutter forever, but I think the kindness that truly leads to a loving change starts with compassion. I fear any other foundation in a friendship just won’t work, even if it brings about an immediate change, the foundation seems like it would be more like quicksand that steel.
I need steel. But first I need compassion. I in someways have made a train wreck of my life through my own insecurities and rebellion, and I regret this, but my greatest regret is all the months, weeks, days, and hours that I haven’t lived. I’ve been alive, but only in theory. I swim often in my depression, and any talk of shoulds, woulds, coulds…feel more like scaling mountains or jumping the grand canyon…especially when you hear anyone rattle on about advice for overcoming depression, even spiritualized solutions. They may even be right, but if you don’t know what I’m talking about, you may not know the taste of hopelessness.
I think what I long for in God these days is friendship. I think what I long for in that friendship is compassion. What I do love about God is that with him you can just be. You don’t have to talk, and neither does he. With him you can just be, and I like that. In that I find hope. In that I can taste something other than hopelessness. In that I can see something other than the dark. My only hope is that he truly is COMPASSION.
Seeing in the dark…barely,
David Leo Schultz