I need to paddle
I went canoing this past weekend, and it was joyous. I had the feeling of being at summer camp, before my life became clogged with failure, taking myself so serious, before my personal sin came in like a recking ball, before my childlike faith turned into 30like faith, before…before…before…
What I forgot about canoing is that after a few hours paddling can be difficult. But the fruit of the labor is refreshing and enjoyable. That’s sort of how I feel about journaling and blogging. I dread it. I enjoy it when I do it, and when I’m done. I think, eventually, I make myself do it because certain emotions and thoughts bang around my head and I just need to expel them from my soul, I guess. And somehow I feel like without doing this I feel as though I am in the middle of a Lake, without a paddle.
FYI, I’m watching back to the future 3 as I write:-)
Anyway, the older I get I think about how life feels like I become really aware that we don’t got much time on this planet, and what’s really on my mind is making every second count. I can be so overwhelmed by this at times I can tend to end up doing nothing.
I think I am hungering for more, especially after reading chapter 9 a week or so ago in Ragamuffin gospel.
I do have this haunting feeling that Jesus is in my life, his presence feels closer than ever. It reminds me of the story of G.K. Chesterton being asked by a London reporter what he would do if Jesus was in their presence, and he looked at the reporter and replied, “He is.” Maybe I am becoming more aware, not because I sin less per say, although maybe the awareness will help with that, I hope.
I find an almost opposite effect that contentment brings versus being uncontent. It seems uncontentment brings ambition, although it seems that also brings anxiety, verging on histerical panic attacks. At least for me it does.
Anyway, I know this is more emotional and verbal and mental vomit, than poetic meaningful thoughts, but I just
needed to be mentally bolemic I guess.
Although, with each passing day, I want Jesus more and to truly take him up on the gift he claimed to bring, “abundant life” to repent of sin, to not wallow in misery of self or be blinded by the temptation to despair in life I do feel a sense of Gratitude of the moments of grace I have already been given.
There a great Pastor, named Matt Chandler, and years ago I heard a sermon where he talked about writing a list that says “Don’t Cry for me”
So here’s my attempt:
DONT CRY FOR ME:
I have a lovely wife.
I am loved for who I am, not for who I’m not by Jesus
I have camped out in Yosemite National Park
I have known true friendship
I have driven up and down the west coast more than most
i have had pie and cigaretts with Brennan Manning
I have shared a laugh with Chevy Chase
I have made Chris Kattan Laugh
I have been to Fred Willards house and given him a ride to work.
I have seen true faith in my Grandma
I have survived certain death at the age of 9 in a fire
I have had Michael Madsen tell me I’m the next Peter Sellars.
Bill Murray called me.
I auditioned 3 times for Mad Tv and made it to the final round in the last Season.
I have seen SNL, from the audience twice, and been in the writers room, and seen Lorne Michaels office, met Lorne shaken his hand, talked with the Producers, smiled in awe of Bill Hader, and talked with Jimmy Fallon about how excited he was about his new talk show (before he had a talk show)
I had the best summer of my life in 2001
I have seen hundreds of people come to know Jesus, in been in awe every time.
Got to experience the band Mercy Me lead worship at my summer camp
I have had coffee with Pastor Mark Driscoll and seen the anointing in his preaching.
I watched Billy Graham preach a sermon in an arena and thousands come forward to accept Jesus.
I grew up in Indiana.
I have traveled the country many times over.
I was in a commercial in the Superbowl
I have an autographed bottle of vodka from Dan Aykroyd.
I auditioned for John Landis
I got to act with Chevy Chase
I have done stand up in front of an arena of thousands, auditioriums of hundreds, and rooms of 20.
I have laughed till hot choclate has gone through my nose
I have played guitar in front of an audience, and failed.
I have accomplished, I have failed, I have succeded and I have suffered.
But most of all, to have known the compassion of Jesus, nothing compares. Even in the midst of failure, the stink of sin, the humiliation of regretable failures, through my risk taking and immaturity, through my depression and joy, through all of my accomplishments and shame, it is Jesus who makes me content whether I have a paddle or whether I’m lost at sea.