Arcade fire in my soul
My favorite Arcade Fire song is “Wake Up”.
I beyond love it. I have ever since my roommate back in 2004 or 2005 let me listen to it, in our beyond horrible apartment in Van Nuys, CA. Horribly small. Horrible. It didn’t make it more spacious when i tried to build a loft which took up half the room. How’d it go? I’m not a carpenter.
The song itself stirs my soul, which based on the progression of my blog, seems like it’s fitting for where I and life, as in my life, are at. The music itself gives this adventurous feeling to my soul that something is upon the horizon, as if a sunrise is coming upon the dark shadows in a desolate dreary valley. This is how I feel. I feel excited and hopeful.
Things aren’t easy, things matter of fact are downright painful. If my life were a movie, I’ve got some villians that are downright dispicable. I’m way to freaking sensitive. I don’t know why I’m this way. It’s embarrassing admitting it, but if you’ve known me for 5 minutes you know this to be true. I’m also a complete jerk. I’m complicated I guess. If you say something I don’t like I’m likely to shun you or punch you in the face, but I’ll feel really bad about it, I might even cry about it. Cry that I’m sinful and capable of such anger and nastiness in my soul. I wouldn’t really punch you, but there’s a few I’m thinking about punching today, if I’m quite honest. Or at least as honest that I want to be in the blogosphere. Maybe honest isn’t the word, open…open’s the word.
Anyway I guess I started writing this blog tonight is that I do feel hope, and listening to Aracade fire, even as I type these words, is reminding me of the hope that I feel. The hope that even in the dark and dreary valley, filled with villians and obstacles. I feel hope, hope for a better tomorrow, a better year than last, a better David, than even I have ever known or knew myself. Which would be a shock, because I know myself pretty well. But I really want to be shocked. I hope I’m shocked for the better, not worse. We’ll see.
I only half mean what I’m about to say, but I think I’m growing up a bit in this area of hard work, sensitivity, and villians. I’ve come to realize that villians, pain, trials, the nagging sense, born out of my discontentment, that what I have isn’t enough, the sin-even, until I die maybe 30 or 2 years from now, these things will be present in my life, but I feel I am on to something lately, maybe it’s maturity (I hope not, that’s not a very fun word, I’ve never liked it) let’s call it a better handle on things, lets call it strength…I feel as though I am getting stronger in handling things. I don’t have to feel like crap, if I am choosing to do things the right, wise, or holy way. The pain will be there, the villians will be lurking in the shadows, like a wolf in sheeps clothing, the discontentment, even my own sin–but day by day, step by step I sense that I am growing in HIS strength, and I hope to grow stronger, braver, more dare I say mature. Nope. I still don’t like that word.
In any case, I really hope to be brave enough to let go of certain friends, and certain friends that claim to be friends, but don’t see that they don’t want me to succeed, they want to use me. I know I’ve done that to people. Oooh, I’m gross, but it’s true. Sadly. In any case I really hope to be more, better, sronger, I pray for God’s enabling grace to get me through the seasons ahead, they are busy, and distracting, I hope with whatever work Jesus/the Father/The Holy Spirt, or however the hell that whole Trinity thing works that while I due my duty and work hard, that Jesus would set my heart free from the yoke of want, or at the very least he would baptize by current wants, dreams, and desires, that they would die and ressurect into a holy set of desires, dreams, and wants that only really care about what only really matters: Loving God, and my Neighbors. That’s something to hope for.
David Leo Schultz