on the verge of something…

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“verge of a miracle”

The man I’m making a movie about is Rich Mullins. When he play and intro the song “verge of a miracle” he would describe it as he was this big recording artist, with this big contract, making this big record…and then he goes to play at this retreat, about a boy who was suicidal and had shot himself in the stomach 6 months before this retreat. And as he’s starting to play this song he says, this is for people that shoot themselves in the stomach.

I’ve never shot myself in the stomach, but I feel like I have metaphorically and and spiritually. I’ve had no gun, and no bullet to be tempted with (although I’ve been no stranger to those thoughts), but I in a sense have been the gun, and have had many bullets to choose from: sin, dishonesty, tendency to wear masks, cowardiceness, people pleasing, self absorbtion, self focus, weighing too much on my vices and my virtues, worshiping my dreams versus the giver of dreams, I could go on, and I’m sure you could both for yourself, and if you knew me you could go on for hours about my metaphorical bullets. Don’t forget this David, you’d say, and I’d laugh, and go “oh yeah, thanks.”
But as I sit here, and see some of my friends living in the gutter failure, depression, and self absorbtion , some in the celebration of well deserved success, some drunk, some sober, some christian, some not, some happy, some pretending to be happy, and I ponder on my own history of me. Thankful a bit, not as much as I should be. Whenever I think of my own lack of greatfulness I think of brennan manning’s quote “The sign of trust, is the attitude of gratefullness” (I realize i spelled greatfullness two different ways and still got it wrong…get off my back:-) …)
Anyway as I sit her…pondering, thinking blah blah blah…I’m…well if i’m real about it, I’m sitting on my couch, after working out for the first time in months , needing a shower and writing this blog, but as I sit here I’m looking at my blinds, and watching the sorely missed sunlight peeking through the clouds, through my fence, and through my closed blinds, and it reminds me that there’s hope. That I have not been forgotten, and that no matter how out of shape, or gross looking, or how big of a failure or success i think I am, and cannot hide from the humbling and dangerous love of God.
And I have a lot of hopes and dreams for the future. They are contaminated, because they involve me, and I’m contaminated because I’m not perfect. I do have a dream of absolute perfection in every area of my life, especially with completely forgetting myself and totally loving others, especially my enemies, cuz their the hardest…but I don’t think perfection will come until I perfect and unconditionally fall in love with God. i know God loves me unconditionally, but I just wish I could return the favor.
Anway, I am smiling, and euphoric…maybe because I just worked out, but I don’t think it’s that shallow, I think it’s something deeper. I think it’s what Jesus is smiling about when he looks at me right now…”David is on the Verge of a Miracle”
As rich used to say when he’d sign autographys…Be God’s
On the verge of a miracle,
David Leo Schultz


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