where did I go?
When I think of the Bible and remember how it began…it began with God declaring everything good…but when he created man and woman He said it was really good.
When I think of myself, I remember a David, a David who was carefree and honest. A David who smiled.
A David who laughed, a David who was bold, quick tempered, but not hardened.
I’m a tender hearted guy. I think some of that is a virtue, some of it is a vice. I think why I am a sensitive, tenderhearted guy. Is because within my 30 year old body, I have a 9 year old broken child within me. When I think of people that are broken themselves, in need of love, grace, healing themselves who were vessels of the pain in my life…colaborers in my brokenness, I feel both intense resentment, bitterness, and anger…and I feel mercy, pitty, love for…sometimes.
I often wonder who I’d be or where I’d be if I wasn’t broken. Not just in the christianese “broken” sense of the word broken, which at first glance could be taken as just a sinful screw up, but broken in half by life and people. Broken by the sin of others, and lack of care, lack of knowledge of how to raise a kid, lack of knowledge in how to be a friend, lack of knowledge how to not be selfish.
I’m able to feel mercy for my enemies, mascarading as friends and family, and concerned aquaintances… sometimes (not as much as I should)…but I do sometimes when I see that I’m just as broken, as the broken people who broke me.
I dream of a David, who wasn’t so broken. I wonder what my mornings would be like, how I’d eat my meals, what fun I might have?I wonder what my job would be? I wonder who’d still be friend, I wonder what new friends I’d have, or depending on my healthiness and boldness I’d have, what friends wouldn’t stick around.
I wonder and dream about a David, who’s not a people pleaser, who’s tender and mild. A David who is less selfish, and more compassionate.
I desire to be more, but in most ways I desire to be less. I desire to be like Jesus truly, and less like the broken little kid who’s about 30 years away from being a grumpy old man.
I know in some ways we are called to judge, and some ways were not. Which is a whole other topic, but I do think it is funny how I judge other people, how I judge myself, or other people judge each other…It seems like it is time and place doesn’t it. The one judging his friend, neighbor, or enemy five years earlier or later maybe was in the same boat or will be one day.
How free, and wonderful it might be in the people in our life were really understanding. There’s a few out there I’ve met. Some are Christians, even.
David, sweet David, let me pray for you. Abba, help David experience your free love. Let him know how much and how hard you run with your compassion. Grab him Abba, give him the gift of faith that has fixed eyes on You. Let him not care what anyone thinks except You. Let him not compromise or care about himself, let him be determined to live and be free to be the David you had in mind when you said, “And then I created David, and he is really good.”
Thanks for reading.
David Leo Schultz