I have a ton of things to do, but I really don’t want to do it, so I think I’ll write another post so I can procrastinate working on all the things I should be working on. Ok, so what should I be working on? I need to re-write this comedy I’ve been working on, and actually shelved for awhile, but a comedy writer (like a real real comedy writer) is going to take a look at it to see if he wants to help make it better, and maybe help get it made…I have an audition on friday to prepare for, I have a table read for a pilot on Saturday to prepare for, I am working on the script for a movie about Rich Mullins, and continuing research on his life, and preparing for a meeting with another screenwriter to potentially join the team on Saturday. I should clean my car, which i never do cause even though I’m married, i still drive so much it’s still a second home, all that to say i know it’ll be dirty again..that and I guess I’ve always been more comfortable in the mess than the clean…anways you see where I’m going with this…taxes, writing, rehearsing, etc…etc…or as my san diego friends taught me, which by the way is a city that loves brevity in lingo, leedle leedle…again for those of you that are lost leedle=etc…weird and unimportant I know, but leedle has inserted itself into my vocab so i guess your gonna have to deal….okay, my a.d.d. has catapulted me into the abyss, let’s see if I can float back to earth….Anyways, I’m not sure if it’s my never ending list of things to do that is bothering me, or that having a never ending list makes me feel purpose…and if that’s true…that bothers me. Rich Mullins once said, that discontentment is a slap in the face to God. I am so challenged by this. I tend to be the debbie downer, the naysayer, the pessimistic, the negative nancy, leedle, leedle…I want to be different, I want to be different at so many things. Maybe it’s cause I’m thirty, maybe it’s because I see how my laziness and maybe it’s because I fell into the trap that is so well laid before me by generations and generations of 20 somethings that declare that career is King. Career is identity. And even if it’s a moment or the next 4o years of my life that finally teaches me that all that matters truly is Jesus. Not what people think of me. Not the people that admire my accomplishments, sit in awe at my achievements, not the competetors of my career opportunities, and not the pharisees in my life, not the nay sayers of my journey, not the critics at my professional sports game that is called my life, the enemies of my tender heart, the one’s that hold the pitchforks and burning tourches as they hold up the magnifying glass to my life and only see the sin and failure and not the why’s or brokenness behind my acts of evil and grossness and immaturity. I want so much. I want all of my dreams, and yet I want none of them. You ever felt that way? I think there is a certain purity in desire, in it’s most innocent state my heart wants to accept what I’ve been given: life. No matter how long or short, it’s no mistake that I’m alive. And even if you believe that there is no fait, destiny, predestination, forsight into the fact that I was once nothing, would become something, and then one day will die and be no more on this planet…it is no mistake that right now I have an opportunity to live, to love, to be loved, to let myself live, and let myself be loved, to do my to do list filled with leedle leedle leedles…with a heart that is both restless and hungry for more and less at the same time. Maybe I should stop writing and get my list of leedles done, maybe I should throw out the list, maybe I should smile because I have a gift called life, and no matter what this is good, what I do with it might not be, that is uncertain, but what is certain is it’s staring me in the face, and the clock is ticking away day by day, and I can sit and stare at my list, throw it away, but either way I need to live, or at the very least enjoy procrastinating, and offically just call it rest…even if it is just a label to make me feel better about doing nothing. Honestly procrastination is very healthy for me, I work way to hard. My biggest fear is that one day I will be on my death bed or I’ll be sitting at my lovely wife’s death bed, and I’ll regret being so busy and not enjoying the gift that is my wife enough. Either way, I do have a prayer, a prayer of surrender about all this ramblings tonight. God/King/Father/Jesus/Holy Spirit/Lover of MY Soul/ Forgiver of my Sins/Graceful Great One/Daddy I pray, help me know I don’t have to have it all figured out on this rainy night in the city of Berkeley, CA, help me lay tenderly in your compassion. Help me fall madly in love with you, and help me fall out of love with myself (at least with the self focus that I seem to be so wrapped up in) let me work hard, because you gave me work, but let me rest and not slap you in the face with my discontentment. Save me from myself and my generation, save me from my own damaged brought on my by “20’s”, save me from feeling like to matter I must be something other than who you want me to be, or accomplish something other than just “being yours”…Heavenly Father help me not procrastinate, yet if I do procrastinate, let me procrastinate doing the things that are mere distractions and will lead me away from you, and let my a.d.d. draw my attention to the things that will bring my heart to rest in you, that my only hearts desire and cry might be for my dad, my Dad who loves me, likes me, dreams bigger dreams for me than i do, or like B. Manning says, expects more failure from me than I do, who haunts me with compassion and desires of growth, Oh Jesus, sweet Jesus, thank you for not procrastinating in loving me, like I procrastinate in loving you.
Thanks for reading ya’ll.
Till tomorrow or a year and a half from now when i remember that i have a blog.
David Leo Schultz